London Travel Guide part 2

Following on from oreouk's post, here's a handy phrasebook for travelling on the London Underground:

"Stand clear of the closing doors..."

If you shove now, as long as you get some part of your body between the closing doors, the train driver will have to reopen them so you can get on. Don't worry, it saves you a minute waiting for the next train, but only costs the thousand other folks on the train ten seconds each.

"Allow people off the train first..."

Form a posse at the opening doors like a rugby scrum, and push. If you can get a good drive on, you'll get a seat. If not, see above.

"Seek Assistance."

The barrier you tried to get to read your ticket is defective. Try again. If it still fails, push in front of the line at the next ticket barrier, and try there. It'll save you thirty seconds walking across to the manned barrier, because, after all, it couldn't possibly be that your ticket's somehow defective.

"Move right down the platform"

Wait right where you are: it's a cunning ploy by London Transport staff to ensure the bit of the train opposite the entrance is empty so THEY can get a seat.

"More right down inside the car."

As above, stay right where you are. No-one else needs to get onto the train, so the fact that you're all packed up like a rugby scrum by the doors and there's free space between the seats further down won't matter at all.